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i feel miserable. I wonder. Everytime I am to feel a super-dee-duper happiness, the next is sooo much depression. Why was I feeling this way? I wasnt even looking for a relationship before, I even didnt want myself to get committed to anybody - until Bong, my ex-boyfriend, came along. So there we broke up. I broke up with him. And found happiness with another someone, Dindo. He is a friend. I thought that he would not dare ruin our friendship because of this so-called feelings he had for me. But he just did. He didnt mean to, but the heck. Does he know how hard it is to be friends with someone you just broke up with? And still in love with? Damn.
It went this way. Bong and I broke up, then he enetered the scene. Then... he became my boyfriend. Then after getting sooo attached to him, he broke up with me. I was already asleep when he txted me. ...bhe di ko lam bkit ko gnagawa to pero ok lang ba friends nlng muna ulet tau? kc alam mo naman na...blah blah.. pero mahal pa rin naman kita e.. sory ha?.. I was like, is this a joke? I called him up. It was for real. And I wanted to freak out. I still remember those lines: So pano ba yan? back to normal na? was like, what was that? Just a dream? Then after some time I had to wake up and realize that its just nothing? REcord breaking. Sabi ko.. mas matagal pa ang 24/7 kesa naging kami. just 4 days.. just like that. I wanted to get mad at him, but with reasons i dont undersatnd, I cant. I really love him.He wanted to maintain the friendship. Even i valued it, but i now know how hard it is to see him again. The hard part is... we have to see each other the next day. The next day... WE had our face-to-face encounter after the break up. I cant look at him in the eyes. I was covering my teary-eyed face. Things are not just like the past few days. No sweetness. My other friend, Gen and I were talking about how and why I broke up with bong, then why the hell, he interrupted with the question: Matagal na kau? that was then I had looked at his eyes but tried to avoid it at once. Nakakainis. Nakakairita yung tanong nya. What does that mean? Then as we went home, Kaming dalawa lang ung magkasabay. After a while, in the jeepney, he asked me Ano? Ok ka na? Was it that easy to be ok? Hell. I didnt answer. I want him to feel that I was reaaly not ok. Id want us to talk about it but I had the feeling that he doesnt like that idea. days after... We txted. The normal usual FRIENDLY conversation. Its hard. I eanted to txt the words I love u but I cant. Damn. Then.. after a while.. my pride was suddenly like a paper torn into pieces. I asked him if he still loves me and I am willing to wait if he still does. Thats how serious i was with him. S**t tlga. He replied with a play-safe answer. Dont even think about knowing the exact lines. Youll hate him for that. But what it really meant was. I have nothing more to wait. And the end of the conversation was, he txted me with: FRIENDS? Hell. Thats all well ever be.. And here I am... moving on. HArd as it is. S**t. there was a sudden point that I didnt have any inspiration or watever... none at all.It took me a yera or two for that. Then, one by one suitors came but no one seroius at all. Some just wanted to play along so i dumped them. I dont need guys like them. Hmp. Now, I have just ended one relationship.I dont want to get fooled. But I was. So, I had to stop this mess before he continues to fool me once more. It is awkward. But... I think i am feeling this certain happiness now. Someone new who inspires me, who cares for me and who treats me like a princess. I never learn. Despite all those guys who just... you know,my heart never gets afraid to find a new love. Is that positive? Yesterday, we decided to meet up - me and my new inspiration, Si bhe. Haha. I was sooo excited. I dont know if he felt that. But I really was. He will be coming from the city hall (Las Pinas) and ill be coming from UST. We decided to meet up at SM Southmall. I told him i will be there by 1pm. Since he got his business done as early as 11 am, he told me that he will just be waiting for me there. Excited as I was I rushed home exactly as our last professor dismissed us. But I realized that I have to fix my job requirement at the city hall too. I dropped by there first and guess what, ending up reaching there at 2:30. I was sooo damn shy. How could I let him wait for that long? 11 til 1 is long enough and letting him wait for another hour and a half was too much. I saw him sitting in front of Red Ribbon, carrying a face ive never seen him like. He felt bad , I know. I was so sorry. I was trying to explain. Nakakainis. I was never like that to him before. I felt like I was acting so childish in front of him. What I really cared for then is what he thought about me. It was the first time that we met since the special something between us started. Why could have I done that on the first? Bad impression phoebe. Pero napapaamo nya ako. I looked like a tamed cat asking for apologies. I know he was letting me feel that he felt irritated that I took that long. But it was nice to hear that after all those stuff, hed tell me, bhe, ok na yun kalimutan mo na.. Haay, I was even afraid that he might have left me already. I invited him to eat but he refused. We just went to Jollibee, I bought myself a coffee jelly. I even wanted to buy him something, a simple peace offering. Nung friends pa lang kami, lagi syang nagpapalibre, ngayon tumatanggi xa... When we were there we acted like we were not super close and it Was just a co-incidence that we are both there. But it was not. Too bad after a few minutes, some of our friends came. We were not telling it to anybody YET. Then our friend, Lon, kept on asking. O Phoebe akala ko ba nagmamadali ka? He asked bhe, Anong ginagawa mo dito?. All our answers are pretensions. As soon as they got busy with their own businesses we managed to get out of their way. too bad. We already went home after that. Nabad trip na yata sya sakin kaya pumayag na lang ako. But as we were walking outside all the way to getting home... haha! we were... SWEET. hehe. I wanted to make it up to him on another day. I miss you Bhe! muahhh! Ive been experiencing a whirlwind of events lately. It was the unexpected. And I was wondering why I am feeling so happy with the tought.
i txted Dindo the other day, the usual and casual text we had - those asaran and stuff. He replied with Hi Pebs, gud mownin! mis u na.. Musta? And because it was the usual thing for us to tease each other, i went with talaga mis mo ko? di nga? anong balita mis u. Then he started making a big deal out of missing each other. I txted him another joke wdout meaning anything. para miss lang tuwa ka na. cguro crush mo ko noh? He returned the question to me, then after a while spilling out that he likes me. HUh? All along I felt he wasmaking a fun out of me. Thats his habit anyway. Then I felt that he got mad because I dont want to belive him. I then knew he was serious. He never texted me in a more serious way. And he never pronounced - or in this case texted my name the proper way, just now. (My jbee friends usually call me Pebs. The usual making-fun-of-my-name thing) Rewind: some 4 months ago while I was currently working at Jbee, If not for Bong courting me that time I knew it should have been him. It should have been him who I am with now. I shouldnt have been fooled by my present. There was something between us that I myself wanted to stop then. I hated rumors, and thats what people are trying to do then. And it ended just like that. We, ending up as friends. Some months ago, working at Jollibee. We simply became hi hello friends and he used to bother me. gustong gusto nya akong napipikon. Inaaway ko talaga siya. And now... things started to be like this. I am starting to recall that feeling I had with him. Now that I have huge problems with my boyfriend - that I am not sure if he wants to show up, if he even wants to talk to me, or he wants to continue fooling me around - Dindo is there. And he makes me smile. He makes me think about him. I suddenly realized. He has seen all the rough sides of me. I have been so mean to him. Still. what the hell is happening? We both know and we both have seen how my boyfriend kept on fooling me, yet, I am still continuing this foolish relationship with him. I have stopped thinking if i should break up or not. I know i should. Period. But here he was telling me stuff like baka willing ka pang balikan siya. After he had said all those stuff to me, after he had confused and boggled my mind. Hes trying to tell me to fix things up with my boyfriend? I shouldnt have ignored the instinct I had before. I felt there was something. A silent exchange of feelings, if thats what u call it. His eyes says something. And something I ignored. I thought it was just an illusion that I am creating. totoo pala. Now, I am smiling because of him. i am happy. he makes me feel like a princess. He knows how to control me. Things i did not had. All along I thought it was important to be happy. That somebody makes me happy. Akala ko sa boyfriend ko yun makikita. and my boyfriend has been taking me for granted. treating me like any other FRIEND he has. I am showy of what I feel. Why cant he? Bakit si Dindo kaya niya? The spill is. Dindo and my boyfriend are friends. The big case. I feel that its awkward. I feel I am betraying. But despite all these, I feel happy. The more confused I am now. I dont want my boyfriend to think that I am breaking up because of dindo, that I am betraying him but because of our problem that he doesnt want to face. I dont want him to think that Dindo took the chance. There are a lot of things that I want to happen yet complicated Things arent as simple as we wish them to be. Why cant we be completely happy? Why cant I be happy without hurting another? why? it was the unexpected. Its been a week now since ive been trying to fix this huge problem by myself. I never tried to tell it to anybody else. Maybe because I dont want to hear what theyve got to say about it. About HIM.
Its depressing. And for the others, its shocking. It was then that I realized how lucky I am to have them. I was just reading HIS past sweet msgs, bestfriend Jaypee got my phone and looked at those messages too. And he discovered my really depressing problem. Nabasa niya ung text message na kagulat gulat from a stranger. Since I wasnt telling it to anybody, it was hard for me to spill it out. very hard. i felt guilty. I realized how i pushed my friends away, how I wanted to get away from the people who only wanted to do was to help me. I was stunned. Masakit pala na sabihin ng bestfriend mo na... hindi kita maintindihan. It was only those few times that I saw Jaypee like that. I knew how he wanted to help me so bad. That he reaches out to me yet I tried to push him away. Im sorry. I ended up telling him the whole story. Obviously he was extremely shocked. I then had to tell it to the rest of my friends. Na shock silang lahat. They were so concerned. I was so touched. I knew that somehow they would understand but I was afraid of how they would react. They are really my friends. Willing to share a hand. Though the situations are like that, they understood. ANd I know that what they told me was the right thing to do - though hard to accept.  People tend to not notice you, and that's a pity cause you're unique. Strong and independent yet in desperate need of someone who would take care of you. Your lover would be a FIGHTER. Just don't let him take control over your whole life, ok? By the way, he's totally hot! What should be your perfect lover like( for girls, with twisted results and pictures) brought to you by Quizilla Thats how i am daw. funny. i opened Rap's blog earlier and found his post. It was about a quiz at tristan cafe.com Title: Kerengkeng ka ba? (Are you a flirt?). Out of curiosity and with nothing else to do, i tried ansewring it. Funny talaga the result foes like this:YOUR SCORE: 46
What your score means Kikay ("Kikoy" for guys?) Medyo ngayon ka pa lang natututong lumandi. Maharot ka pa lang at hindi pa full-blown haliparot. Mahiyain ka pa ng konti at di mo pa gaanong kabisado ang tamang "moves" pagdating sa flirting, kaya madalas pang sumasablay ang mga hirit mo. Pero you're starting to discover your sexy confidence, and learning how to make a hot impression. Baka wala ka ng regalo from Santa this Christmas, kasi you're turning from nice to naughty, nyahaha! Take note: kikay. Again? At the glance of the result, napatawa na lang ako. Certified Kikay talaga ata ako. Bigla kong naalala, how Jaypee started to tease me. He kept calling me kikay because of another quiz wherein the result goes like youre an absolute kikay Really funny. I feel like blogging today. Happy I think. Well my week started soooo fine.It was kinda naugghty but I was happy. I wonder why such small things make me happy these days. ^_^ Early Sunday Morning, he (Luvkoh) txted me and asked me if i could go to their house cause hes bringing melody and marvin (our Jbee friends) there too. I wondered about what would go on their house that he wanted me to go there so bad. I though that I could not make it but since I started a fight the day before, (nagtampo tuloy sya) I did my best to be there. I told my da that I will be going out for a while to go to the internet cafe since he asked me to type his resume, he agreed. Blessing in disguise, our PC started malfunctioning. Haha. His house is only 10 minutes away so theres no problem with that. So I went there. He was full of smiles when I came there and there were a lot of people. Fiesta pala sa kanila. They were like, Bong, girlfriend mo? then they would direct to me and say lolokohin ka lang nyan well, of course in a joking manner. His (luvkoh)sisters and nieces were there. I felt shy. But I was really happy cause theyre so nice to me. Thanks. I did not take long anyway. He kept on seeing me looking at my watch. he was bothered. after an hour and a half, I left and promised to go back. But before I reached home I made sure I typed the resume. Haha. It only took me 5 mins for that. Then just as I returned home, my mom asked me to go to our store and accompany her. I went there. After that, I told her that ill be going home already. Thats what she thought. Im sooo mean. I went straight to their house again. Its already 6pm by the time i reached their place. Haha. When I reached their place we went out strolled in their village. id nothing but walk around. Wala lang. MAsaya na ako ng ganun. I was feeling bad about not seeing him that often not like before. I remember how I cried when his contract had already ended (in Jollibee). Nakakahiya man, I hated doing that but because I did not help it I cried in front of him. Tears just ran down from my eyes that night. That simple thing, bwing with him already is a happy thought for me. And guess what? Monday afternoon I was still with him - with our other friends of course. And I am happy. He makes me happy. =) rAp tagged me. Here are 20 things about me.
(1) I am sooo childish (2) a text addict (3) i sleep ONLY with my favorite pillow (4) a McDonalds kid (5) who became a Jollibee crew (6) i DONT drink coffee (just give me milk instead) (7) a guys bestfriend (8) i love to eat (9) my name has many pronunciations (or mispronunciations) (10) i hate pink (11) i lack self-confidence (12) fish is the only seafood i eat (13) my bedroom wall serves as my photoalbum (14) i am sentimental (15) i have a secret birthmark (16) i walk like a duck ^_^ (17) i have big hips =( (18) a shopaholic (19) an absolute kikay (20) loves being loved i finished it within 6 minutes i think. SO here it is.. *aIkz* *jAypEe* *aHdz* *nHeT* *cHarTz* *miChaeL* |