>>sensitiVe_sOuL<<

again... i was wrong

2005-12-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

i feel miserable. I wonder. Everytime I am to feel a super-dee-duper happiness, the next is sooo much depression. Why was I feeling this way? I wasnt even looking for a relationship before, I even didnt want myself to get committed to anybody - until Bong, my ex-boyfriend, came along. So there we broke up. I broke up with him. And found happiness with another someone, Dindo. He is a friend. I thought that he would not dare ruin our friendship because of this so-called feelings he had for me. But he just did. He didnt mean to, but the heck. Does he know how hard it is to be friends with someone you just broke up with? And still in love with? Damn.

It went this way.
Bong and I broke up, then he enetered the scene. Then... he became my boyfriend. Then after getting sooo attached to him, he broke up with me.
I was already asleep when he txted me.
...bhe di ko lam bkit ko gnagawa to pero ok lang ba friends nlng muna ulet tau? kc alam mo naman na...blah blah.. pero mahal pa rin naman kita e.. sory ha?..

I was like, is this a joke? I called him up. It was for real. And I wanted to freak out.

I still remember those lines: So pano ba yan? back to normal na? was like, what was that? Just a dream? Then after some time I had to wake up and realize that its just nothing? REcord breaking. Sabi ko.. mas matagal pa ang 24/7 kesa naging kami. just 4 days.. just like that.

I wanted to get mad at him, but with reasons i dont undersatnd, I cant. I really love him.He wanted to maintain the friendship. Even i valued it, but i now know how hard it is to see him again. The hard part is... we have to see each other the next day.

The next day...
WE had our face-to-face encounter after the break up. I cant look at him in the eyes. I was covering my teary-eyed face. Things are not just like the past few days. No sweetness. My other friend, Gen and I were talking about how and why I broke up with bong, then why the hell, he interrupted with the question: Matagal na kau? that was then I had looked at his eyes but tried to avoid it at once. Nakakainis. Nakakairita yung tanong nya. What does that mean? Then as we went home, Kaming dalawa lang ung magkasabay. After a while, in the jeepney, he asked me Ano? Ok ka na? Was it that easy to be ok? Hell. I didnt answer. I want him to feel that I was reaaly not ok. Id want us to talk about it but I had the feeling that he doesnt like that idea.

days after...
We txted. The normal usual FRIENDLY conversation. Its hard. I eanted to txt the words I love u but I cant. Damn. Then.. after a while.. my pride was suddenly like a paper torn into pieces. I asked him if he still loves me and I am willing to wait if he still does. Thats how serious i was with him. S**t tlga. He replied with a play-safe answer. Dont even think about knowing the exact lines. Youll hate him for that. But what it really meant was. I have nothing more to wait. And the end of the conversation was, he txted me with: FRIENDS?

Hell. Thats all well ever be..

And here I am... moving on. HArd as it is. S**t.

in love... again?

2005-12-06T04:17:00.000-08:00

there was a sudden point that I didnt have any inspiration or watever... none at all.It took me a yera or two for that. Then, one by one suitors came but no one seroius at all. Some just wanted to play along so i dumped them. I dont need guys like them. Hmp.

Now, I have just ended one relationship.I dont want to get fooled. But I was. So, I had to stop this mess before he continues to fool me once more.

It is awkward. But... I think i am feeling this certain happiness now. Someone new who inspires me, who cares for me and who treats me like a princess. I never learn. Despite all those guys who just... you know,my heart never gets afraid to find a new love. Is that positive?

Yesterday, we decided to meet up - me and my new inspiration, Si bhe. Haha. I was sooo excited. I dont know if he felt that. But I really was.

He will be coming from the city hall (Las Pinas) and ill be coming from UST. We decided to meet up at SM Southmall. I told him i will be there by 1pm. Since he got his business done as early as 11 am, he told me that he will just be waiting for me there. Excited as I was I rushed home exactly as our last professor dismissed us. But I realized that I have to fix my job requirement at the city hall too. I dropped by there first and guess what, ending up reaching there at 2:30. I was sooo damn shy. How could I let him wait for that long? 11 til 1 is long enough and letting him wait for another hour and a half was too much. I saw him sitting in front of Red Ribbon, carrying a face ive never seen him like. He felt bad , I know. I was so sorry. I was trying to explain. Nakakainis. I was never like that to him before. I felt like I was acting so childish in front of him. What I really cared for then is what he thought about me. It was the first time that we met since the special something between us started. Why could have I done that on the first? Bad impression phoebe. Pero napapaamo nya ako. I looked like a tamed cat asking for apologies. I know he was letting me feel that he felt irritated that I took that long. But it was nice to hear that after all those stuff, hed tell me, bhe, ok na yun kalimutan mo na.. Haay, I was even afraid that he might have left me already.

I invited him to eat but he refused. We just went to Jollibee, I bought myself a coffee jelly. I even wanted to buy him something, a simple peace offering. Nung friends pa lang kami, lagi syang nagpapalibre, ngayon tumatanggi xa... When we were there we acted like we were not super close and it Was just a co-incidence that we are both there. But it was not. Too bad after a few minutes, some of our friends came. We were not telling it to anybody YET. Then our friend, Lon, kept on asking. O Phoebe akala ko ba nagmamadali ka? He asked bhe, Anong ginagawa mo dito?. All our answers are pretensions. As soon as they got busy with their own businesses we managed to get out of their way. too bad. We already went home after that. Nabad trip na yata sya sakin kaya pumayag na lang ako. But as we were walking outside all the way to getting home... haha! we were... SWEET. hehe. I wanted to make it up to him on another day. I miss you Bhe! muahhh!

wat is this?

2005-12-01T17:18:00.000-08:00

Ive been experiencing a whirlwind of events lately. It was the unexpected. And I was wondering why I am feeling so happy with the tought.

i txted Dindo the other day, the usual and casual text we had - those asaran and stuff. He replied with Hi Pebs, gud mownin! mis u na.. Musta?

And because it was the usual thing for us to tease each other, i went with talaga mis mo ko? di nga? anong balita mis u. Then he started making a big deal out of missing each other. I txted him another joke wdout meaning anything. para miss lang tuwa ka na. cguro crush mo ko noh? He returned the question to me, then after a while spilling out that he likes me. HUh? All along I felt he wasmaking a fun out of me. Thats his habit anyway. Then I felt that he got mad because I dont want to belive him. I then knew he was serious. He never texted me in a more serious way. And he never pronounced - or in this case texted my name the proper way, just now. (My jbee friends usually call me Pebs. The usual making-fun-of-my-name thing)

Rewind:
some 4 months ago while I was currently working at Jbee, If not for Bong courting me that time I knew it should have been him. It should have been him who I am with now. I shouldnt have been fooled by my present. There was something between us that I myself wanted to stop then. I hated rumors, and thats what people are trying to do then. And it ended just like that. We, ending up as friends.

Some months ago, working at Jollibee. We simply became hi hello friends and he used to bother me. gustong gusto nya akong napipikon. Inaaway ko talaga siya.

And now... things started to be like this. I am starting to recall that feeling I had with him. Now that I have huge problems with my boyfriend - that I am not sure if he wants to show up, if he even wants to talk to me, or he wants to continue fooling me around - Dindo is there. And he makes me smile. He makes me think about him.

I suddenly realized. He has seen all the rough sides of me. I have been so mean to him. Still. what the hell is happening? We both know and we both have seen how my boyfriend kept on fooling me, yet, I am still continuing this foolish relationship with him. I have stopped thinking if i should break up or not. I know i should. Period. But here he was telling me stuff like baka willing ka pang balikan siya. After he had said all those stuff to me, after he had confused and boggled my mind. Hes trying to tell me to fix things up with my boyfriend?

I shouldnt have ignored the instinct I had before. I felt there was something. A silent exchange of feelings, if thats what u call it. His eyes says something. And something I ignored. I thought it was just an illusion that I am creating. totoo pala.

Now, I am smiling because of him. i am happy. he makes me feel like a princess. He knows how to control me. Things i did not had. All along I thought it was important to be happy. That somebody makes me happy. Akala ko sa boyfriend ko yun makikita. and my boyfriend has been taking me for granted. treating me like any other FRIEND he has. I am showy of what I feel. Why cant he? Bakit si Dindo kaya niya?

The spill is. Dindo and my boyfriend are friends. The big case. I feel that its awkward. I feel I am betraying. But despite all these, I feel happy. The more confused I am now. I dont want my boyfriend to think that I am breaking up because of dindo, that I am betraying him but because of our problem that he doesnt want to face. I dont want him to think that Dindo took the chance.

There are a lot of things that I want to happen yet complicated

Things arent as simple as we wish them to be.

Why cant we be completely happy?

Why cant I be happy without hurting another?

why?

so mean...

2005-11-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

it was the unexpected. Its been a week now since ive been trying to fix this huge problem by myself. I never tried to tell it to anybody else. Maybe because I dont want to hear what theyve got to say about it. About HIM.

Its depressing. And for the others, its shocking.

It was then that I realized how lucky I am to have them.

I was just reading HIS past sweet msgs, bestfriend Jaypee got my phone and looked at those messages too. And he discovered my really depressing problem. Nabasa niya ung text message na kagulat gulat from a stranger.

Since I wasnt telling it to anybody, it was hard for me to spill it out. very hard.

i felt guilty. I realized how i pushed my friends away, how I wanted to get away from the people who only wanted to do was to help me.

I was stunned. Masakit pala na sabihin ng bestfriend mo na... hindi kita maintindihan. It was only those few times that I saw Jaypee like that. I knew how he wanted to help me so bad. That he reaches out to me yet I tried to push him away. Im sorry.

I ended up telling him the whole story. Obviously he was extremely shocked. I then had to tell it to the rest of my friends. Na shock silang lahat. They were so concerned. I was so touched. I knew that somehow they would understand but I was afraid of how they would react. They are really my friends. Willing to share a hand. Though the situations are like that, they understood. ANd I know that what they told me was the right thing to do - though hard to accept.

quizilla quiz

2005-11-25T10:04:00.000-08:00

People tend to not notice you, and that's a pity
cause you're unique. Strong and independent yet
in desperate need of someone who would take
care of you. Your lover would be a FIGHTER.
Just don't let him take control over your whole
life, ok? By the way, he's totally hot!

What should be your perfect lover like( for girls, with twisted results and pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Thats how i am daw.

its nice to be happy..

2005-11-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

funny. i opened Rap's blog earlier and found his post. It was about a quiz at tristan cafe.com Title: Kerengkeng ka ba? (Are you a flirt?). Out of curiosity and with nothing else to do, i tried ansewring it. Funny talaga the result foes like this:YOUR SCORE: 46
What your score means
Kikay ("Kikoy" for guys?) Medyo ngayon ka pa lang natututong lumandi. Maharot ka pa lang at hindi pa full-blown haliparot. Mahiyain ka pa ng konti at di mo pa gaanong kabisado ang tamang "moves" pagdating sa flirting, kaya madalas pang sumasablay ang mga hirit mo. Pero you're starting to discover your sexy confidence, and learning how to make a hot impression. Baka wala ka ng regalo from Santa this Christmas, kasi you're turning from nice to naughty, nyahaha!

Take note: kikay. Again? At the glance of the result, napatawa na lang ako. Certified Kikay talaga ata ako. Bigla kong naalala, how Jaypee started to tease me. He kept calling me kikay because of another quiz wherein the result goes like youre an absolute kikay Really funny.

I feel like blogging today. Happy I think. Well my week started soooo fine.It was kinda naugghty but I was happy. I wonder why such small things make me happy these days. ^_^ Early Sunday Morning, he (Luvkoh) txted me and asked me if i could go to their house cause hes bringing melody and marvin (our Jbee friends) there too. I wondered about what would go on their house that he wanted me to go there so bad. I though that I could not make it but since I started a fight the day before, (nagtampo tuloy sya) I did my best to be there.

I told my da that I will be going out for a while to go to the internet cafe since he asked me to type his resume, he agreed. Blessing in disguise, our PC started malfunctioning. Haha. His house is only 10 minutes away so theres no problem with that. So I went there. He was full of smiles when I came there and there were a lot of people. Fiesta pala sa kanila. They were like, Bong, girlfriend mo? then they would direct to me and say lolokohin ka lang nyan well, of course in a joking manner. His (luvkoh)sisters and nieces were there. I felt shy. But I was really happy cause theyre so nice to me. Thanks. I did not take long anyway. He kept on seeing me looking at my watch. he was bothered. after an hour and a half, I left and promised to go back. But before I reached home I made sure I typed the resume. Haha. It only took me 5 mins for that.

Then just as I returned home, my mom asked me to go to our store and accompany her. I went there. After that, I told her that ill be going home already. Thats what she thought. Im sooo mean. I went straight to their house again. Its already 6pm by the time i reached their place. Haha. When I reached their place we went out strolled in their village. id nothing but walk around.

Wala lang. MAsaya na ako ng ganun. I was feeling bad about not seeing him that often not like before. I remember how I cried when his contract had already ended (in Jollibee). Nakakahiya man, I hated doing that but because I did not help it I cried in front of him. Tears just ran down from my eyes that night. That simple thing, bwing with him already is a happy thought for me.

And guess what? Monday afternoon I was still with him - with our other friends of course. And I am happy. He makes me happy. =)

20 things

2005-11-16T12:16:00.000-08:00

rAp tagged me. Here are 20 things about me.

(1) I am sooo childish
(2) a text addict
(3) i sleep ONLY with my favorite pillow
(4) a McDonalds kid
(5) who became a Jollibee crew
(6) i DONT drink coffee (just give me milk instead)
(7) a guys bestfriend
(8) i love to eat
(9) my name has many pronunciations (or mispronunciations)
(10) i hate pink
(11) i lack self-confidence
(12) fish is the only seafood i eat
(13) my bedroom wall serves as my photoalbum
(14) i am sentimental
(15) i have a secret birthmark
(16) i walk like a duck ^_^
(17) i have big hips =(
(18) a shopaholic
(19) an absolute kikay
(20) loves being loved

i finished it within 6 minutes i think. SO here it is..
6 peePs..

*aIkz*
*jAypEe*
*aHdz*
*nHeT*
*cHarTz*
*miChaeL*

five

2005-11-16T09:24:00.001-08:00

Rap tagged me, and according to him I should name five songs and tag five other people. Here it is:

(1)Especially for you - MYMP
(2)Makita kang muli - sugar free
(3)talaga naman - MYMP
(4)the day u said goodnight - hale
(5)stay - cueshe

heres 5 peeps...

(1)aiks
(2)jaypes
(3)hershey
(4)xammie
(5) adz

missed HIM so much

2005-11-15T16:38:00.000-08:00

During the last minutes of my last class yesterday, i felt my heart beating so fast. I was to go straight to Marvins (His bestbud) house . We were to meet there. The past few days before yesterday, everytime we meet was senseless. No sweet memories or what. I always found a reason to get mad at him. I was sorry for that.
I am mushy. I admit. Forgive me for this. ^_^ I just miss the nice memories when we had those biruan and tuksuhan stuff when we still worked together. Maybe thats the reason of the quarrels and stuff I created. bad mee...
After my class, there was really no need to rush, but I am actually rushing on the way there. So much for rushing, I even got to the place first. Where he was only a jeepney away while I still came rom Manila. Too much excitement, i guess. Haha!
This is another moment I will TRULY miss.

-flashback-

Ive been texting him with a lot of i miss you so much.. blah blah.. Then, just as he came, i went speechless. i just really missed him. We sat down together, watched TV, talked about lots of stuff...

He even acted like a kuya...

Him: may lesson na ba kau?

Me: oo naman.

Him: nag aaral ka ba? Baka puro cutting class lang ginagawa mo ha?

Me: ako pa.. ang bait bait ko nga e.

Him: pero nagte2xt ka habang may klase mabait ba un?

Me: nakakahiya naman sau eh, lam ko namn ayaw mo ng mga late mgreply (khit na cya mismo late magreply. 10 years!)

* True enough. i was texting in class.

As usual, he brought with him his corny jokes. Phoebe, corny ba talaga? why were u laughing? Haha!
I am happy. This feeling was something I missed. Though I kept acting childish, like what he always say, it doesnt matter as long as he can endure the way that i am acting. And that is the best thing about him i guess... Not changing me for who he wants me to be, no restrictions, no do this, or do that stuff..

And though he is a cerified seloso... (haha! he looks very funny when he gets jealous) and he always see me with other guys he doesnt know (who are my FRIENDS) he trusts me. =)

peace out!

hello UST

2005-11-13T22:03:00.000-08:00

i am back to blogging. And I am back to UST as well. Since I started working I barely had time to blog. Kinalimutan ko na daw sabi ni Jaypee. Nope. I just wish I had the time. Imagine yourself going home at 11 p.m. Shish.

The idea of being back to school, with my classmates sounds good. I can already start to use my head again, which I think had stopped to function for the last five months. Haha! The first week of school was over. That week. During my first day, honestly, I felt like a freshman, I was nervous. Really. Good thing everything went well. I think. Its just that I didnt like the idea that now, I am an irregular student. I wont be a part of all the things my classmates do. Another not-so - good realization is... things have already changed. A lot different. It just hurts me. So different. Dont ask me why.

I met a new friend. Jeff. Though I dont know if I really should be making friends with him. I was supposed to meet up with my boyfriend (who didnt show up!) that time. There. How we became friends is another story. dont mind asking. I just thought that nothings wrong with making friends with him. But... lately, I am quite irritated. Should I really be friends with him? Or is that what he wanted?

I havent had a good week with my LUV. I hate the things that are happening. The result, all i did was to start up a fight with him. Pero sya pa rin ung nakikipag ayos. All I wanted to happen is to spend QUALITY time with him. Obviously, it never happened this week. Iwanted to make it up to him because I hadnt got the chance to be with him over the last weeks of October. And now that Im doing some effort on it, hes acting the other way around! As if he doesnt care if he sees me or not. Or I am just seeing things that way. Cause I really miss him soooo bad.

Luv, mis u nah! Hehe!

lies

2005-09-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

its so weird.

okay. i have a declaration to make, may boyfriend ako ngayon. and so what? i dont feel like im committed to him. its nothing. its useless. But honestly, maybe the reason why i *tried* is because i am loving the way he loves me (except for the fact that i am really THAT bad lately). I am enjoying his company, he makes me smile. Not enought though, i am not inspired, not feeling butterflies in my stomach. I am not in my real self, forgive me.

Its been a week already, its just so weird that when somebody asks me if I love him, i just reply with a smile. Do i even say i loveu? never did. Weird right? but does he complain? If only hearts can be taught, dun ka nalang sana sa taong mahal na mahal ka. He does love me. Do i love him? I feel guilty kasi niloloko ko siya but the hard part there is, i am also making a fool out of myself. I dont want this thing to cause any trouble. Para akong tanga, pag pasensyahan nyo na.

Mas weird pa. I knew na hindi kami magtatagal. As if diba? Mag eenjoy lang ako. I am so MEAN! While I am attached to him, I am thinking of another somebody. I am thinking of Dennis, I am thinking of another *somebody*. Kasi with Dennis and this *somebody*, I was true, and it ended up not to be as good as I expected. It hurts me so bad.

I just realized as if someone slapped my face that Dennis didnt really loved me, he wanted me because of... YUN! Maybe he thought that I was like the other girls, that I was like his past girlfriends. Just because I showed that I also liked him. Sabi pa nya *Jen, lalaki ako hindi ako bakla, anong gusto mo gawin ko?* SHIT KA! Its been two years. He was always there though I am not committing myself to him, I thought he was for real.

And another one... when you love *somebody* set him free. I am happy for him, I just cant avoid to get hurt you know. Ewan ko ba!

Sana someday maging totoo yung kasiyahan ko. everything is a lie.

Bee Happy...

2005-08-12T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am just so happy today. Haha! Its the feeling of fullfillment I have now. I still remember that day, when I was interviewed by our Manager at Jollibee. She asked me, what makes me happy. "Fullfilment", i answered. I have proved, it really is what makes me happy.

Only this week, my managers gave me a surprising news, I wont be a counter crew anymore. i even thought that I would be ending my contrract earlier than expected. Wrong guess. I was promoted. Yey! I will now be the Administrative Crew. Sounds nice huh? I am just so proud of myself. I'll now be the office girl of Jollibee, handling their files, answering phone calls, responsible for big amount of money, etc. My mom asked me if I would get a higher wage for that. I didnt care, honestly. Its the fulfillment that I get from the trust they gave me. That makes me happy. And it is a challenge for me since it carries more responsibilities.

Earlier, we had our store activity: PASIKLABAN SA SERVICE. It was fun! Another fulfillment i get from it. I felt that they always seem to think that I do a lot of mistakes as a counter crew, that I am n0t good enough. Well, I proved them wrong. I was not noted for any substandard practices. ( I was noted once, before. Too bad.) After the program, we had our bonding with our team (Team Champ). I just love Sir Mil, hs the best! Sir Mil is one of our store managers in the making (hes on training). Pwede na nga ako ma in luv dun eh. Haha! I just realized that time is running too fast now. Im really loving my work. I have proved that loving your work would give you something in return. It made me mopre confident. I have proved that I am worth something.

...Beep beep...

Something bothers me though. Bong.

Why is it too hard for me to dump him? Hes been close to me already. I am afraid of losing the friendship we already had. And to admit, I am afraid to lose him. I am loving the attention hes giving me. Im bad. Im selfish. Its been almost two months since he started giving me that special attention. What am I gonna do? SAbi nga ni Daddy Hershey, kahit anong gawin natin, looks still matter. Kulang siya dun. But hes super duper kind and sweet. The more that its hard for me to dump him. Sabi ko nga, sana hindi na lang siya mabait para hindi ako nahihirapan. What pressures me more is that he feels that I am ignoring everything that he does for me. If he only knows. Ang hirap kasi ipaliwanag. Sobra!

Anyway. I saw my angel the other day, Dennis. I havent seen him for a very long time. Honestly, he rarely comes into my mind lately. Too pre occupied. But the moment I saw him, nabaliw na naman ako. As in, to the highest level. Heres more. I went there (kung san sya nagwowork). We had a little chat. He asked me where I took a vacation since he havent seen me for a long time. I didnt take a vacation though. blah blah blah... It doesnt end there. As I was already walking home, somebody called me, as i checked who was calling me, it was him, Dennis. He ran after me, tumakas sa trabaho. His and hellos... Then after a while, he became silent, niyakap na lang nya ako. Parang wala ng bukas at hindi na nya ako makikita. Haay, gusto ko himatayin. Hes one of those ideal guys, tipong gusto ko maging boyfriend. Pogi pa. Haha! The problem is, I feel like I am not yet ready. I dont want to commit myself to someone I rarely see. And I feel like I am not that so in love with him yet, i mean, baka hindi ko pa siya kayang ipaglaban sa mga tao, especially my mom.Yun nga lang, gaya ng sabi ko kanina, I am afraid to lose him (hes been there for me since I was 4th year HS, 2 years na). I am soooo selfish.

I was wondering why I am so afraid to commit myself lately? Hindi naman ako na trauma sa past relationships ko. Yun nga lang, I am always considering what others would think. Wala na ko sa sarili. Haha!

Baliw!

on changes...

2005-07-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

I felt the urge to blog this night. I was depressed. sikat ako sa work, sadly, in the negative sense. I was the reason for the flop of the store's service rating. They put the blame on me. everybody. I rushed out of the store to look for Jason (later out ul know who he is) expecting that I could have a somebody-to-talk-to with him. Too bad its not something I expected.

Okay. there had been a lot of changes. It is about how i act, how I look at things. Its weird.

A month before siguro, there's this guy, si Bong, co crew ko sa Jollibee. ayun, he's been courting me. Kaya lang, I dont like him, I mean, there's no spark beteween us. But he's super kind. Kaya upto now, ayun, Ive kept him hanging around. Im bad.

A week ago, though I cannot really believe I did it (but i really did), I invited a guy out to watch a movie. Bakit ko nga ba ginawa yun? wala lang. Minsan iniisip ko, I was looking for something to make my life more interesting. BAD ME! My life is so monotonous. There. He agreed to watch a movie with me. He treated me. Haha. Kilig ako, honestly. I was even late for work because of that date (?) if I should realy call it a date. I dont think so. Haha!

This week, there was this somebody who kept on saying hi to me. I see him everyday since we work at the same place, not at Jollibee though. Siya si Jason. I just smile aty him everytime he says hi. Days after, he asked for my name, another day after, he asked for my number. I dont know what's on my mind them, binigay ko kasi eh! hehe! a day after that, nag ka kwentuhan na kami. (Parang an tagal na nga namin magkakilala eh.) The day after that, binisita (at inantay) na niya ako sa work. Tapos ngayon, he started to act so strange. The other day lang ang sweet nya. Haay...

Pero, c Dennis di ko na nakikita. Kamusta na kaya xa? nu na kaya itsura nya?

I was thinking, there's no space for me to fall for anybody because I dont want to commit myself because... Nah! nobody would understand my reasons. NOBODY. Im bad.

Regarding my work, i feel overwhelmed that I gained friends. i miss my college friends though. They're simply uncomparable. I thank them for making me feel welcome, considering these peeps who became my friends are older crews than I am. Jeez.

Im going crazy. There are lot of things i want to express but cannot put into words. Yay!

2005-04-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

Di ko na alam. I think my head will start to malfunction any minute.

THIS stuff had been pestering my mind for days. THIS, honestly, is no big deal but for reasons I dont know, it bothers me more than anything. I know I have to fix things as early as possible, baka magsisi pa ako. THIS is the only thing that lightens up my boring days. Thats the only time I learn to smile, I cant take little happiness from myself. No.

Im getting crazy.

Reason why I cant think properly on how to help my mom. Shes asking my help about stuff. I know shes wanting to hear that optimism in me (which, I cannot find at the moment). Kanino pa ba siya hihingi ng tulong? E di sa inaakala niyang mabait niyang panganay na anak. Hindi ko na masabi yung famous line ko para sa kanya: Ma, kaya pa yan! I wanted to help. If only my mind could work properly, if only I can remove THAT away from my memory even for a while (or maybe permanently).

Bakit nga ba ako nagkakaganito? Ive been like this before, I know. Shit. I hate this feeling.

Feeling ko ako si Atlas, pasan ang mundo. I need someone I could talk to. But I know, I there would be someone out there, whod talk to me and will be willing to listen, I would think more than twice to tell EVERYTHING I feel. Mahihiya ako. Nobody would understand dahil baliw ako.

Bakit sabi nila ang galing ko magpayo? Lagi daw ako andyan para sa kanila? Bakit napakamapagmahal ko? Why cant I give a good advice for myself? Why do I feel that I cannot love myself?

The other day, my mom told me she wanted to go and stay on top of the mountain. I told her earlier: Ma, sama na ako sayo sa tuktok ng bundok. I wish its that easy to run away from problems. Stupid me. Naaalala ko pa, I just gave an advice to a friend: Hindi tinatakasanang problema, hinaharap yan. But I want to turn my back to the world. Alam ko tumatakas ako, but still I cant. I feel like I dont want to be responsible with anything right now. Free from anything. But I just recalled: Freedom comes with greater responsibility. Darn.

Sorry. Ewan. Im just really going crazy. Ano nga ba meron sakin? Dont mind me.
------------
Earlier, Ive been to one of the places I hate. I really hate going there. The airport. I still recall the memories of the last time we went there. My aunt and my cousin left. My eyes were really red. My voice was drowned by my own tears.

Whenever I go there, somebody leaves. I hate goodbyes.

peace

more than ordinary

2005-04-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

I realized things. I thought everybody knows the real me. Not everyone. Theres a part of me – a hidden personality - a FEW people know. There are things I just cant ell everyone. They wont understand. Even I myself cant understand the way I act at times. But this is me. What if my friends knew about it? I just dont know how they would react. You might not even get the point why I am telling these stuff. Hindi pala ako isang simpleng kikay. Im an adventurous and a pasaway girl. Sakit ako sa ulo. I Don’t go with the norms. Bakit nga ba? Para pala akong vampire, when you come across one during day time, you wouldnt recognize one. People just have secrets they cannot tell everyone, we all have our mysterious sides. I have mine. There are things you just cant tell the whole world or else the whole world will turn its back on you.

I miss my best friend. She knows who I am. And didn’t turn her back on me.

Nothing really important happened to me for the past few days.
----------
Angel had given me this wonderful smile last week. Hehe! Kilig. Ewan ko ba dun. He was supposed to talk to me that day, but somebody approached him and told him an important stuff. Ayun, sablay! Haha.
----------

April 11

My day didnt start fine. My mom was quite tired since she had just slept 5am that morning. With her stress, I received the blow. Napagalitan ako. Bakit nga ba? Shish. I had a bad day then. Haay! These days have been so tough. I even thought that one of these days, Id be going crazy already. I don’t even have someone to talk to.

Right on time. That night as I was walking home, I saw Angel. He saw me walking and waited for me. Haha!

Me: Sinong inaantay mo?
Angel: ewan ko nga ba, teka ha, pupuntahan ko lang siya.
(aba! Bigla akong iniwan! Bumalik din naman)

In short, we talked. He apologized because we havent talked for ages. (Whats the need for apology anyway?) His excuse: hes having problems lately. And what happened was the other way around, I was the one who asked about his problem. Blah blah blah… He asked about how my studies went. Ayos lang, sabi ko.

Angel: san ka nga ba nag-aaral? Sa Adamson?
Me: Ano ka ba? UST. Baka ibang babae yun! Haha! (joking)
Angel: hindi. Sorry. Sabi ko sayo problemado ako eh.
Me: Diba dun ung nagpadasal kay pope nung isang araw?
(natawa ako sa question niya.)
Me: Aba, mas updated ka pa sakin ah!
Angel: Siguro matalino ka kasi sa Ust ka eh.
Me: Hindi ah. Dun ako pumasa eh, dapat sa UP ako eh.
Angel: Ah…

Blah blah blah… In the middle of our conversation, he said something I didnt expect (honestly, it was something I did not expect) Jen (he calls me jen), ah eh… YUN NA YON! I was in a different mood then. Nasa joking mood ako. I always smile when I talk to him. Haha! When I looked at him, I couldn’t see his smiles anymore, he was serious…

Me: Ay, serious siya. =/ Ako yung naspeechless.

Nahihiya pa din daw siya sakin. Shish, should I believe that? I told him the first impression he gave me. Mukha siyang chickboy. Haha! With that looks? Mahiyain? Asus!

Angel: O bakit hindi ka na nagsasalita?
Me: Wala lang…
Angel: O Anong problema mo?
Me: Wala pagod lang siguro ako.

He asked me if I liked watching movies. Of course, me pa. He invited me to watch movie when were both free. What century kaya yun? Ang kinagulat ko. Kahit sa kanya hindi ako nakalagpas. Inasar din niya ako. Nakakainis!

Angel: Nagwowork out ka? Joke lang… Haha!
Me: ang yabang nito!
**tawanan**
Angel: bkit? (sarcastic!)
Me: alam ko mataba ako okay?
Angel: Siguro mahilig ka kumain.
Me: Ang yabang mo talaga! Hehe!

Yet, it made me feel bad. I found out that he plans to leave and go abroad. Its just a plan for now. Not yet that soon but….Not again. Lahat kayo iwanan niyo ako! Sabi niya para daw hindi siya umalis….

Actually, before we left, I got irritated with him a bit. We had some misunderstandings about stuff. I think he thought that I was mad at him. There are times that I dont talk and just kept quiet. As he drove me home, I said thanks and for him to take care. I was silent. I cant find words. Di na ko makapagsalita. I wasnt mad though. If I was, I could have went home alone, I wont even say thanks or tell him to take care. I have to talk to him. He must know that I dont feel bad. La lang. It was nice that there was someone who could listen.
------------
April 13

As I was on my way to our canteen, I was going down the overpass, this little girl who sells sampaguita gave me one sampaguita.

Girl: ate, sayo na lang. Bigay nung bata.
Me: Bakit? Sayo na lang ibenta mo ulit.
Girl: hindi para sa yo talaga yan
Me: salamat

After a little while, this little girl came to me with Katherine (shes a 10-year old girl who also sells sampaguita) Kapatid pala niya yun. I asked her why she gave it to me. I ws touched. Sabi niya. ATE SAYO NALANG, MABAIT KA KASI. Ang bait. In return I treated them both for a free shake. That girl is really close to my heart. Ewan ko ba. I like her. I still remember when I asked her why she sells sampaguita, she told me: GUSTO KO LANG MAKATULONG SA NANAY KO. That young age speaks like that? She has 6 other siblings. The 3 elders, lumayas. Kung pwede ko lang siya ampunin ginawa ko na. AAAAyyyy…
-------
Sabi ko sa iyo eh, nothing realy important happened. See? Ang iksi ng entry ko? Haha!

wala lang...

2005-04-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

Avril’s concert has just ended. I’m dying to watch that one. Sayang!

Oh, well, uh, lately, if im not at home, im probably at our canteen, nagbabantay. Just imagine me working at Lisa’s that’s it. Haha! The prob is, without pay. Hehe! I always feel the heat of summer, lagi akong nasa labas ng bahay.

last sunday, I boughtvthe newspaper and as expected, Avril would be there on one of its pages. Since my mom and I always argue on what paper to buy - inquirer or bulletin - we bought both, as I read the bulletin (after reading inquirer, which i prefer) I saw the article about Avril and made me feel bad, ganun nga ba ugali niya? bad! hmp!

----

Its not all work...

During one of the days i spent at our canteen, i met this guy, Mac. I know he had been to our place, he looks familiar eh. he was waiting for hours. Naawa nga ako sa kanya eh. nakitext nga siya eh. he was waiting for this Aris. kawawa talaga. As this aris came. Uy, kuya! hehe! we were looking and smiling at each other, uh, I really dont know why, di naman kami magkakilala. basta ganun. he would throw jokes at me, tatawa naman ako. We dont really know each other, kakakita ko pa nga lang sa kanya eh. If theres something about him, its his eyes - expressive. Crush at first sight? haha! weirdo. Kulit! he has a really good sense of humor. I got his number anyway. Hehe. I didnt ask for it, nagpaload kasi siya samin... on the paper where he wrote his number, before he gave it to me, nilagyan niya ng smiley. la lang. Then his uncle said: "ui miss pwede daw ba makuha ung number mo?" nagulat ako ha? pero di ko binigay. haha!

----

oo nga, laging late ang pagsisisi, sayang. la lang. Hehe!

i miss you angel! hehe!

^-^

this and that

2005-03-28T04:14:00.000-08:00

id like to love the thought that its summer - lahat nag e enjoy.

**ive been busy these past weeks. Im helping my mom with stuff. sawang sawa na ako sa SM. I was there almost everyday. Jeez. Pwede na akong security guard ng SM. Haha!

**naglaba ako ng loads of clothes kanina. no big deal. naisip ko lang si ralph, pag sinabi niya sa inyo na maglalaba pa siya at tambak na yung labahin nila, intindihin niyo. nakakapagod tlga! hehe!

**Nagswimming kami last Friday. Since my mom had promised it to my little sis, kahit she felt not wanting to pursue the plan, she had to. Magmamaktol yun kapatid ko, mana sa kin yun eh! haha! I was like her when i was a kid. ill show them that I feel bad. I just hate the thought na parang kami lang nung kapatid ko ang excited sa trip. Anyway, we had fun, kahit na ilang beses ako tumumba sa floater. basta! nakakahiya yun. Hehe!

**nang-away ako ng kapitbahay. Hehe! ang nasabi na lang ng mami ko, "nakatikim sila!" at ang sabi ng dadi ko: "ang taray mo naman!". Haha! I was NEVER close to our neighbors. i wont talk to someone I dont feel like talking to. thats me. Theyre toooooo MAHANGIN. Kaya ayoko sa kanila. we live in a town house. Yun, we have one huge gate where all of us who lives in the townhouse enters. One midnight, (i think it was about 12 then) the gate ws locked and there was no other way to enter. I stood there with my sister for about 5 minutes then somebody opened the gate - it was one of those mahangin na kapitbahay.

me: bakit nakasara?

kapitbahay: nanakawan kasi kami eh.

me: eh bakit po nakasara may iba pa po na pumapasok dito. Pano kung walang nagising sa inyo, e di di kami nakapasok? Ung mami ko late na umuuwi pano uun?

kapitbahay: un nga eh, alam ko nga un... gawa na lang tayo ng susi. nanakawan nga kami ng tsinelas eh!

(ay sus! slippers lang pala!)

me; sana ipasok niyo nalang ung slippers niyo kesa nilolock niyo ung gate diba?

kapitbahay: eh kasi ung mga batang yun. naku tlga!

me: hindi lang naman po kayo ang papasok dito diba?

--haay. she was older than me, i wanted to respect her but i think respect is something gained and they dont deserve it. they feel like they own the whole place. Inconsiderate people.

--After that incident nagtawanana nalang kami ni mami. she asked: "sinabi mo talaga un?, nakatikim sila no!" haha!

they (neighbor) didnt dare to lock the gate again. haha!

i wish theres something esle i could do for the rest of the summer... walang challenge ang bakasyon ko. haha! i cant wait for my birthday... kahit na di ko pa alam kung anong gagawin ko sa araw na yun

bye!

...southborder trip...

2005-03-21T19:35:00.000-08:00

two days ago...

i was cleaning my messy room (when i say messy, expect the worst! hah!) when my mom called to tell me that southborder will be having a show at SM that afternoon. I hurried. I want to watch that one.

when we reached the place, it is already crowded (as expected)and we cannot find any seats so we stood there beside the railings. Luckily, the manong guard was too kind to let us in since my sister cannot see from where we are. YEY! We stood behind the rest of the crowd but as they started singing and as I got the fone from my mom (which had a camera and a video), I went in front. I didnt care even I sat on the floor what I was thinking that time is that I was only meters away from them. Up-close and personal. haha! It was a free show. swerte.

I was thinking of vangge. I wish she was with me, Im sure she would feel as happy as I am. Ang cute ni Duncan. My sister calls him Poncan or Dunkin. haha! he had those expressive eyes. Yay! I had really close-up pictures of him but I dunno how to up-load them. sowee Vanggs!

sulit. It was a one hour show. ive already heard almost all of their songs in their album. Astig ung sa guitars nila. Hehe! Astig sila. Ang cute ni vince... ni duncan... haha! ASTIG.

kanina...

val and I looked for a summer job... sana matanggap kami. haha! un lang..
its sooo hot!!

gala trip.

2005-03-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

Haha! Ive been out for two days now. Hindi pa nga ako umuuwi eh, kakahiwalay lang namin ni soulmeyt Val. Haha!

Kahapon...
Burthdey ni bestbud jaypee. Happy birthday jaypee.. hapy birthday... happy birthday.. (kanta yan, just in case you didnt notice. haha!)

Swimming kina nhet. Since val was "supposed to be" there and the other peeps will also be there, I decided to join the group. Ag ending, instead of val going with them, I was the one who went with them. actually, i didnt tell my mom that i was going out with my friends para mag swimming. Bad me! haha! I wasnt supposed to go with them.

Sa FX.. kulang ung binayad namin sa FX.. 7 kami. 15php ung fare.. 7 *15 = 105. hehe! jaypes realized in nung nabayad na niya... kulang ng 5 pesos. Pa birthday ni manong driver kay Jaypee. soundtrip si Sherman at Jaypes. Buti nalang di cla pinababa ng driver sa ingay nila haha! at buti nlang ako ang katabi nila kundi baka kung ano nang inisip nun dahil sa piangsasabi nila. Haha! funny tlaga. "Akin ung mahaba sayo ung maiksi. tapos hawakan mo yan" Oops. disc man yun ha! hehe!

There. Masaya naman. Haha! napagtripan si pink. Dont worry i didnt start anything okay? Nakikitawa lang ako sa ginagawa nila. Ayoko na ng away, magtatapos na ang school year, but I just cant help to get irritated by the way she acts at times.Si nhet din ay na trip. hehe! nag dare kasi siya na itulak namin siya sa pool. so sinigaw ko sa other peeps. Tapos yun. hahaha!

It was nice looking at the buildings at that point of view, the cars looked like matchboxes and people looked like ants. okay lang... wala naman akong suicidal tendencies eh!

I really wanted to go with the other guys sa intra after the swimming but I had to leave. My mom told me that I cant miss going to the church this week. Jeez. So i went home earlier. bad trip. But it was fun.

ngayon.
I went to school to pass our research paper. Val accompanied me. Bonding kami ni soulmate. Sinagot niya ang tanong na hindi ko masagot. yun na yun... nalulungkot tuloy ako. hehe! In spite of the rain, we still decided to go somewhere else. gusto mag-gala ni val. Ako pa, tatanggi ba naman ako? We went to sm. went around. Si val pa, san ba pupunta yun? Sa make up section. hehehe! ^_^

We then decided to go to rob. Val has something to buy there. hehe! We rode at a jeepney where the driver had a lot (as in a lot) of complaints!

* He complained about a passenger who paid only 5Php instead of 5.50
Sinermonan niya yung pasahero. kainis.

* He complained about a passenger (again) who wanted to fix the shield of the window because she was feeling hot and (according to her)something/someone smells bad.

* He even complained about a passenger who said 'para'. parang ayaw niya pababain.

Val and I cant help but laugh. Haha! Funny talaga.

AT ROB.
Funny ulit. As val approached the sales lady, the sales lady kept on speaking in english. Akala niya foreigner. Sabi ko kay Val, mag english siya. Ahaha! Lalo ata naniwala.

Hehe! trafik pauwi. Natapos ko na basahin ung Varsi. Di pa kami nakakarating ng LAs Pinas. Hehe!

Peace!

..things i didnt expect..

2005-03-16T11:40:00.000-08:00

this was our last day of our freshmen days. Things went normal for me since I woke up. I got ready to go to school, reviewed my lessons and took our test. HIndi ko naisip, oo nga pala last day na namin 'to. And I didnt expect the things I heard, the things that happened and the way I reacted with it.

Anyway, I was used to these stuff, goodbyes. Though I hated it, its something i have to face and something I always face. I hope its too easy to say goodbye and after such forget that someone. Sana nga ... Haha!

Sabi ko nga may pagka lalaki din ako minsan, i dont want other people see me cry. Pero sabi ko sa kanila once in a lifetime lang 'to. I am now afraid of the things that would soon happen, its something i know that might happen but when i realized that its already right in front of me, nakakabigla pa din.

Ang labo ko no? You (whoever reading this) might not understand, but I just really have to blog this.

Lagi kong sinasabi, ayokong sinasanay ako ng mga tao sa paligid ko. For a moment, lagi siyang andyan, tapos pag nasanay ka na, bigla na lang siyang mawawala, aalis. Sus... hindi ka pa nasanay, Phoebe. Haha! Hindi talaga ako nasanay. My weakness, that is. Being left. Hearing the words goodbye to someone you dont want to leave.

I am just sad. Pero kung ano man, I understand. Really. Madrama lang talaga ako. Haha!

thats how it feels

2005-03-12T22:01:00.000-08:00

This was a very unlucky day for me in spite the fact that it is my sisters birthday, i hadnt enjoyed the day.

I have so many complaints about my life lately. I dont understand it myself.

Last night, I reached home at 9, finished school stuff at 11. I slept without eating any snack. I woke up at 3am this morning since I had to do our english research paper before I go to school. I was supposed to go leave by 7 since me and my groupmates in english were supposed to meet by 8. Nag ccram na ko. Worse, nagalit pa mom ko sakin. She had her own complaints. She asked me to do her a favor but i couldnt do it since i was alraedy panicking with my investigative then. Itried to explain but it was no use.

She left. She felt bad i know. I just hate it. I HOPE she noticed that I was so busy the past few days that i cant even get to sleep at the right time. i dont even have the luxury of time, all i do is worry about too many things. What hurts me is that she is the one i expected to undestand me best. I thought she knows how i am feeling lately. It was insensitive of her. She was the last person I thought that would misunderstand me. that time I felt alone. Hell. Nobody cares.

i thought I can manage things on my own, na big brave girl na ko. But still, I wasnt strong enough to handle this. Not anymore. kailangan ko pala ng kausap, someone to listen. Di ko pala kaya mag-isa. I just felt i needed to cry. I always wished I had a big brother. Sana nga. Para may makausap man lang ako.

------

nawala yung celphone ko kanina. I was already in the FX on my way home when I was looking for my fone. it was nowhere. Naiiyak na ako pero hindi ako makaiyak. Bad trip!

kaya pa?

2005-03-11T17:19:00.000-08:00

Ako lang ang nag bblog lately ha? Everybody's busy. I have this long list of stuff to do for the day. I just thought of stopping over for a while. nakakapagod. Here's what I have to do over the weekend:

*english research paper - draft [deadline: monday]
*journalese article [deadline: monday]
*investigative article [deadline: bukas na!]
*finals is already on monday

Isip. gugustuhin ko pa ba mag-journ? haha! There's a lot of things to write about. Buhay journ nga naman. Hindi kaya mapagbali baliktad ko na yung mga sinusulat ko?

Forward: Tomorrow's my sister's birthday. Hindi ko man lang siya nabili ng regalo sa sobrang busy ng buhay. Sobrang tampo na sakin nun. Haay. Ill just drop by the mall tomorrow. Worse, I have to break my promise to her that ill be with her the whole day tomorrow since its her birthday. I have to go to school, do our english research paper and pass my investigative article. After that I have to keep - even just a part - of my promise to my sister that ill go with her.

Masyadong boring ang buhay ko lately. In spite of the pile of things to do, i feel bored. I want to do something weird. HAHA!

----------

Ang gulo gulo mo angel! hmp! ikaw ang tao sa lahat ng nakilala ko ang mahirap ma i-spell ang ugali. I dont know if your just fooling me around or what. Its like I want to ask, kilala mo ba ako? O talaga lang hindi mo ako nakikita... weird. hmmmp... bahala ka nga.

Im out of here...

thats how it goes....

2005-03-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

The feeling never gets lost. I hate it. Argh! Though I was feeling a bit proud of myself. Brave girl nga ako. Ive also learned that me and my friends are just acting the same way. Hehe! especially me and ralph. have anybody sensed that he has a problem? I did! hehe! He knows he cannot hide anything from me kahit ngumiti at mag joke pa siya alam ko kung may problema. I myself is amazed with that, that i can easily know who of my friends have problems.

Anyway, yun nga. Haha. I was talking to ralph a while ago. We realized how similar we acted. We smile at our problems, people woudnt know we have one, este a lot. At naaliw ako, we had the same reasons why we kept it to ourselves.
________
sabi ko na i hate goodbyes.This day was the last time we met Sir niel inside our roo. the last time i heard his lecture. Indeed, he was one of the great professors we had this year.

I admire men who are not afraid to show their soft side. Sir Niel is one. I really amire him for that. Romantic. I recalled those moments when I can relate to the topics he discussed. hehe! As he said his speech, I just cant help but be grateful to have him as our prof. He really deserved the clap we had for him and all. After that, tears just fell from my eyes. Nakakalungkot.nakakatouch. Unforgettable.

bakit kaya?

2005-03-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

I feel like ive been acting so strange lately. People asks me why I was acting such.. 'Ok ka lang phoebe?'

Honestly, Im not. Just as much as the other college crowd is not okay. I am used to this kind of load of school work. Of cramming and the likes. but these days have ben so different. I am known to be the ultimate optimist in the house. I am always the only one left saying 'kaya yan' even while the rest of them thinks otherwise.
Mahirap pala. Para tuloy ayaw ko na tumanda. Its hard when you have a lot of things to worry about. In my case, I am not only to worry about the deadlines to meet. Theres a longer list I face everyday.

mahirap maging panganay, that is. And I know my mom needs me. thats the one of the rest of the things i have to face everyday. I go home without anybody welcoming. Work at your own pace, kanya kanya. And when my mom goes home, pagod din. I understand those stuff. And I feel the load she carries lately. kawawa naman ang mami ko, she has a lot of problems lately. This is the point, I hate it when I see her losing hope on something, wish ko lang kasi nahahawahan ko siya ng optimism ko. But even though I try to tell her mami kaya pa yan. Shempre shed defend what she believes in. I start to think where did i get this attitude of mine.

When I see her in that state, kahit ako, nawawalan ng hope sa mga nangyayari (ok you wont undrstand and too complicated to undrstand. She knows how optimistic I am. Baka nga, she needs me kaya she shares those stuff to me. Kaso sa nilagi lagi nalang, feeling ko, any moment now, I will blow up.

Una pa lang yan. Yung kapatid ko pa. Wala pa ang love life dyan. Hahaha! jokes.

TARAYAN

Haha. I never imagine myself being mataray in school. Haha! Si jaypee, gusto ako makitang magtaray. Ayun, it then turned out nakakapagtaray tuloy ako sa ibang tao accidentally.

Unang victim, si ralph. Ralph did something to me pero hindi naman talaga ako nagalit kunwari lang. I like it when I see him scared. haha! sadistic yata. We were about to eat at Jollibee then. When we reached Jollibee bigla siya nawala. Hindi ko kasi siya pinapansin pag nag sosorry siya, tinatarayan ko pa lalo. naniwala pala dun... naguilty tuloy ako...

ang strike two, si jenny. hehe! she was singing her favorite song, ung sa coke. Sabi ko lang naman, ano ka ba jenny hindi ka na nag sawa dyan sa kantang yan. wala na bang iba? natarayan na agad siya sakin. sabi niya ako na nga daw ang kinakantahan tinatarayan ko pa daw siya...

ang huli, si jessica
lagi kasi siyang absent naiinis ako kasi na sakanya ung envelope namin sa e3nglish di man lang pumasok. Nung pe namin, Ive been cold to her. Nagsorry pa nga pero I want her to feel na naiinis ako. para maguilty. haha! it turned out, ako ung na guilty sa huli. Tusday night, I texted her: Jessica, paki dala naman ung envelope bukas kasi kailangan namin un, kung hindi ka papasok paki abot man lang kasi kailangan nga namin un. slamat ah.

t was something like that. Kaninang English, she came. when she joined the group, what she first told me is that she wanted to tak to me. Alam ko na na feel niya na naiinis ako sa kanya. Kaso iniyakan niya ako! She explained kung bakit hindi siya pumapasok and all that. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Pero naguilty naman ako ng konti kaya kinausap ko siya after class.

pwede magreklamo?

2005-03-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

Sabi nga ni Ralph, OMG. talaga! Ive been so exhausted these days. Projects here and there. deadlines to meet. Newsletter. This and that. Pwede huminga? Sana 36 hours ang isang araw para ma accomplish ko ang mga dapat gawin.Thia day was a certified stressful day. Idagdag mo pa ung fact na bagsak ako sa running at long jump. Aww! iyak itak! I want to shout. I hink that can -somehow - take away the stress uh, for a while. Wouldnt be there anyone to cheer me up? Haay. buti na lang I have my therapeutic friends. Im going to break down! nawawala na ang optimism ko. Help me...

Lucky meee....

2005-03-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

This has been a long day. whew!

This has been a different day. I realized something really nice - i have the best of friends i could ever have. Lalo na yung dalawang yun (you peeps alam nio na kung sino kayo! muahh!).
I started to remember how I always lost someone close to me. Since I was a grader, I always lose my friends. They go away from me, by accident or through quarrels. I even remember that I was crying during our farewell party when I was in 5th grade because me and my bestfriend fought. When I reached High School, I always get into trouble because of wrong impressions about me - mukha daw akong mataray. Me and my bestfriend do not meet anymore. We have not met for almost three years now. Sad. She had to live in Batangas for good. And Ykah, who i met during the last two years in my high school now studies in UP, where we both planned to study kaso siya lang pumasa. Haha!

Pero, swerte pa din ako. I have faced a situation lately na ngayon ko lang na experience. kakaiba at nakakahiya. Wala lang. I cannot go into details because its something not everyone should know. Secret! pero what made me feel happy is that kahit ganun, they are still there for me. Ang BAIT BAIT nila!! Siya at Lalo na si soulmate! lavshu val!

yaay. nakkahiya man... salamat poh! mUahh!!

2005-02-27T21:00:00.000-08:00

I had no chance to write a daily entry about what happened to me this week. But this was something worth blogging about that I cannot miss. Hahaha!
-----------
February 21
Its my moms birthday. I prepared a simple surprise for my mom. I had never done this before and since I had a little savings, I planned to do it this year. I bought her a present, which gave me a hard time keeping since my mom was home when I bought it. It was a nice scented candle. Its something she loved to collect.

6:00 AM
I had a little cake with a candle on it for her candle-blowing. We sang happy birthday to her. I gave my present and my sister gave her birthday card. I was touched with her reaction. Though I wasn’t that happy since I havent given her a day off. She still worked the whole day til midnight.

In school:
Haha! Nilaglag ako ni Val kay Jene! Hmp! Diba parang mali? Ako dapat manlaglag sa kanya kay Jene! Nyahaha! Nagbigay ng very very obvious clues kung sino si star. Hmp! Sobrang laglag ako pinagsama ba naman Jene (and company) at kami kami (esp. Ivan). Hehe!

PM
My angel.
After the long time, I did not already hope that we could still have the chance to talk to each other. He was busy as I was. Our schedules conflict. Then, I went out for a walk that night. Wala si mamay at papa sa bahay! Yey! When I reached the corner of our street I saw him riding on his nice scooter bike. Napahinto ako. He also stopped and talked to me. Hahaha!

Angel: musta ka na?
Me: ok lang.
Angel: Uwi ka ba?
Me: (obyus bang hindi paalis nga eh!) may bibilhin lang ako
Angel: O sige hintayin kita ha.. baka kasi makaistorbo ako.
Me: (umalis me)
Pagbalik ko…
Wala siya, after a minute andun na siya..
Angel: akala mo umalis na ako noh? Iiwan ba kita?
Me: (No comment)
Angel: stroll naman tayo?
Me: ha? San naman tayo pupunta?
Angel: Dyan lang. Usap lang tayo.
Me: (nag isip muna ako… ) wag na kaya (takot kasi ako umangkas sa scooter eh! Haha!)
He insisted. At inisip ko yung payo sakin ni Val.

Angel: saglit lang naman eh.
Me: (okay okay…)
We went to Good shepherd Parish. May park dun.

We had a nice talk. Fun. Though he looked weird when he introduced himself for the nth time and said the words ‘musta ka na?’ twice (dahil daw hindi ko siya kinakamusta), at nahihiya DAW siya sakin, he made me smile. Kulet. I even showed him the stolen shot of him that my cousin took. Haha! Nagulat siya. We asked each others birthdays, he asked me about my studies. Natawa talaga ako, frustrated broadcaster daw siya at mahilig sa balita. I reacted sarcastically. Nyahaha! At ako naman frustrated Psychologist (course niya). Naisip ko lang, ang tagal ko ng hindi napatawa ng ganun ng someone, somebody different. I havent noticed the time, honestly. After some minutes ihahatid na daw niya ako. Okay! Before we bid goodbyes he said his ‘thanks’ to me. Nagpaka inosente pa ko, sabi ko, “para san?” Hehe, shempre sa time. Whew! It has been a day.

Feb 22

I was distracted the whole day. May hang over pa sa nangyari the night before. Haha! Ralph was teasing me, may boyfriend na daw ako. I did something that I never though tuluyang magpapalaglag sa kin. I just realized it when I went home to read the >letter< again. Nyahaha! I had proved that Val and I are soul mates. Things that happen to me also happened to her. She always had a counterpart of what was happening to me.. Ano yun? Secret! Hehe!

Feb 23

I have proven my doubts. Tsk tsk.. Nilaglag ko na sarili ko. But sorry, Aiks and Vangge, nyahaha, mas maswerte ako. Bait bait kasi ‘niya’ para mag over react. I went red when I found out that he already knows. Jeez…

nakakatuwa at nakakahiya...

2005-02-26T16:09:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day: something special?

2005-02-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day again. I woke up not realizing its a not-so-ordinary day until I heard the radio commentator greety their listeners a happy valentine's day. I have been celebrating (or am I really celebrating it?). V-day alone for 2 years now. As I realized that it was hearts day, I suddenly looked into the last gift I received - a mug with the words written on it: I love you - and inaalikabok na siya sa headboard ng bed ko. Haha! Bitter. Think i am. Nyahaha! Not that I am missing my ex (I really do not!!) but I just missed being sweet to someone special. Hehe! Plus, nagsisisis na ko okay. If Valerie had just given me a little of her friendliness (she knows what I mean. haha!), maybe I have a date today. Hehehe! I have not seen my angel for a week already. I miss seeing his smile. Huh.... And not seeing him on happy heartys day is kinda sad.

Walking through UST... ive been seeing boquets of flowers, heart ballons and chocolates. Allergic ako sa flower today okay?! Oo na may love life na kayo.

but my day was not that bad (except for the fact that I miss my star). It was quite a short day. Yeah. Nothing special. Nothing.

Dilemma

2005-02-01T22:20:00.000-08:00

It goes on.

PE was stressful. Really. I didnt feel that until, after some hours my leg ached very bad. Never felt like this after a PE class. (Admit it Phoebe, youre not athletic!) Plus factor for this might be because of me and Jewel's Divisoria trip after our PE class. We kept on walking and walking to find these stuff we need. I am seldom absent in my SM and Robinsons classes every Saturday and Sunday and so I wonder what was the pain all about.

Lit classes continue to be a not-as-funny-as-before period. Since that incident happened plus the silent protest Hershey and company had, I didnt feel the same fun we used to have in our lit classes. Might be psychological. But I really feel the big difference.

Valentines is fast approaching. How I wish i could stop the time. I have this mission. Nyahaha! Wait. Im not looking for a partner for the coming date. Not that desperate yet. Haha! There's this Mr. D (the reason for having a D pin. That's not any other letter but D okay? haha!), my angel (angel tawag ko kasi mukha siyang angel), who misunderstands me. Uh, I have to talk to him before Valentines. Hoping for the best that we could be friends. With that, Id be peaceful on Valentines. I failed doing that today. Huh. And that depresses me much.

I am guilty. I know it was my fault why me and mr. D are not in talking terms anymore. There are really girls who do not know what they want. And when they already do. Hey, time is up, hindi na pwede. (Present!) Oh, my realizations. I learn from experiences, too bad amd too late.

My Pile of Laundry

2005-01-31T21:25:00.000-08:00

Imagine this: a pile of laundry not washed for weeks. That is how I see my burdens - a pile of laundry unwashed. This is quite unusual of me, really. I never remember myself being so pessimistic. But stress puts me in this situation, uh, I think so. Smiling and resting lately means a lot cause I feel like I barely do that already. I've been tasked - obliged and without any choice - to do a lot of stuff lately. I want to scream. The load given to me is too much to be carried alone. i think I can already apply for a house maid and get paid for it. I am trying -really trying - to understand why Im having this RESPONSIBILTY, but it seemed to be too hard to carry. The longer Im facing these stuff, the harder the things go. Now Im complaining. Yes, I am. Discreetly.

I remember a friend telling me that I was being too kind to everybody else and that some might abuse me for that. I barely make complaints for something i do, that is (that is how i feel that i am and that was what he told me). Cause if I do have some, promise, you'll surely notice. It's quite a hard job for me to pretend liking someone or something that I really do not. Its hard to be plastic, in short terms.

My bag got lost last week. That was one. Good for me I found it. Thanks to this Marvin, a socio freshman in Room 209 who found my bag. He was kind enough to keep my bag in his locker when he found it. How my bag got there is one BIG question.

Then came our CWG report. Now, really, I am bothered if I really am a jinx. Haha! We were in a state of panic early this morning. The presentation was not ready. We had to face the irritating face of >Prof's name in here< as we went to the faculty to explain stuff. Sir, uhm, blah blah blah... Anyway, to make that long story short, he didnt listen to any explanations we made. Rap and Nhet even took a cab for them to reach the school in time for our CWG. Mission failed. This is what you call stress. Second chances. Lets see what will happen on Wednesday.

Phoebe, breathe in, breathe out. Lets wait til my pile of laundry gets washed. Haha!

PS.

Mga super friends ko salamat! you know who you are. Muahugz!

Hell week

2005-01-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Totally exhausted.

The last week was a totally tiring week. It was our prelim exam but whats worse is that, its not only the exams that i had to face then. my sister, our house, food to eat.

I felt how hard to be a big sis to a 6 year-old sister. Plus, days without my mommy. I was used that my mom was always around helping me out with stuff. When I wake up, she irons my clothes, prepared my food, and she does the cleaning stuff while I concentrate on studying. i wasnt too much dependent on her though. Maybe, its just because the burden to me was lighter when she was around. Now, she's busy with our business. Well, its a cosequense we have to face, of course. In exchange of the money shes earniung for us, she doesnt have time for me anymore. im becoming childish when I think of it. But maybe because I was really close to my mom that I miss her lately. we ussually go to the mall during weekends. But now, as Id leave our house, shes still not home and as I reach home, its either shes sleeping or she would already leave. I even barely talk to my mom. I would even volunteer to accompany her just to be with her. This is getting childish I think. I am getting childish.

This week was hell week. Really. As I reach home from school, Ill clean the house, then, teach my sister, then, cook our dinner. By the time I have noithing else to do but study, I am already so tired and the result: I always fall asleep while studying. I was always lkate for the prelim exams then. I hate it!

Results:
*I failed my MAJOR (take note: Major) subject. Shame on me!
*Now, Im terribly sick. I cant even move. Thanks to my lil sis, though, she returning the favor to me.

Christmas Complete

2004-12-27T19:00:00.000-08:00

Christmas Complete

I was reminiscing my past Christmases since I was young. The happy and the sad ones I had.
When we were still in our old house, we had a huge Christmas tree full of gifts. My mom used to be a Santa giving gifts to everyone – my teachers, school bus driver, my friends and her friends, nieces and nephews, et cetera, et cetera. December 24 was always a busy day - going to the market, preparing food, welcoming visitors. Yeah, a lot of visitors come in and out of our house. Christmas Eve was always a night full of noise, and for me, a lot of playmates. Plus, lots and lots of food!
Ahhh… those sad ones. That was when we transferred to our small house and I celebrated Christmas with my mom alone – just the two of us. There was one Christmas that I cant help but cry because of the sadness I felt. Jeez. To make me happy, my mom thought that exchanging gifts with each other would help. Well, it made me happy, uh, a bit.
Comparing those Christmases from our Christmas this year, it was not like those old celebrations we had. No visitors. It was a not-so-busy day yet it was not as lonely as before. This Christmas, I celebrated it with my family. This time, not only with my mom, but my dad is here with us. I have celebrated some Christmas with my dad since he stayed with us but I hadnt bonded with him like this. We werent that close, since he worked abroad for eight long years. My Christmas was complete. It is unexplainable. Maybe because I had celebrated it in UST – a different Christmas it is – and with new sets of really good friends. The paskuhan was really an unforgettable night, thouh I didnt stay that long, it was fun to lie down in the mainfield with your blockmates. Really fun! I felt like I had been so good that Santa had given me more than just plain gifts. Haha! I received gifts from friends and from special friends – friends real close to me. It touched me thinking that in a short span of time, I had the best friends I could have this college and they remembered me and treat me as their friend. Plus a lot greeted me during the Christmas Eve, which was unusual. My phone beeped almost every sec. Haha! Tinawagan pa ko ni Jaypes at ni Soulmate Val. (Salamat! Hehe!) I also felt more than thankful to my new friends to give them gifts. Haha! I cant forget our gift for Ralph! (Too bad, I hadnt given gifts to all of my friends – Sowee!)

It was really a complete Christmas. Truly, this Christmas is better than the rest. Uh, minus the fact, of course, that I miss my UST friends. Muah!

Road Trip

2004-12-13T22:27:00.000-08:00

Argh! I expected something good to happen but didn’t occur. Ewan ko ba! I get frustrated to see a great friendship ending just like that. Huh.

*****

To SM Manila we go! After eating at Lisas (as usual), I, together with Val, Ivan, Rap, Eith, Hershey and Dale went to SM. They are to buy gifts for their buddies, and I went along with them to buy Christmas presents for some of my friends. Laugh trips in the jeepney. Particularly Hershey. Haha! She believed whatever Ivan said. Like that Val and I would walk from Lawton to Las Pinas on our way home and that Bibe is the German word for Phoebe. Shish.

As we arrived at SM, we agreed to part ways to save time. Ivan went with Hershey while Val, Rap, Eith and I went together. After some more than forty-five minutes (we agreed that it would be only 45 minutes, haha!) of roaming around to buy those Christmas stuff, we waited for Hershey and Ivan. Hell, what is the date? We waited somewhere near the rails. We even saw Doray amd Xam.

Soulmate Val, Eith and I bid goodbye to the rest of them. Eith went on a different way as he rode to Quiapo. Val and I passed through the underpass and waited for a bus. We cant find one because the buses pass through the underground tunnel and didnt stop over. We decided to walk farther so we could find a place where the buses could stop. But since we are in a hurry, we decided to look for an FX upto Baclaran and just ride another jeep to Las Pinas. Still, as we walked farther, we can’t find an FX. We even reached a freaky freaky part. Its very dark, nobody else was walking on that street but us. We even walked farther than where we should be walking. And after some time, we found out that we already reached Lawton. And since we are already there, we decided to ride the usual slow-as-a-turtle bus we are riding on. Luckily, as we are crossing the streets, I saw an FX to Las Pinas! Yey! As we rode the FX, haay, salamat! After that loooong walk, at last we could rest our feet.

Jeez! The freaky streets, the long walk and at last! Nakasakay din! Thanks! Haha!

*******

MANHID ka yata.

Magic Tricks

2004-12-12T18:06:00.000-08:00

Today is Kat-Kats birthday celebration and christening. I was quite excited because I wanted to meet Jay, my kababata. He with his two other brothers was my playmate when I was little. We PLAYED and WATCHED wrestling together. Our favorite was even Hulk Hogan. (Yah! Imagine me watching that stuff.) Nyahahahahaha!
Sadly, I didnt have the chance of talking to him because he only drove the car for Tita Lorie (his mother, my moms friend) and went home right away. Jeez.

Anyway, Kat-Kat is my sisters playmate. Daughter of Tita Kelly, who is my moms friend and Tito Rey, my father-image and my favorite magician (yes, he is a VERY amazing magician). I was invited to be a godmother to Kat-Kat. Haha! Am I not too young to be a ninang? It doesn’t matter anyway, I really loved this pretty li’l girl. Mukha siyang Barbie doll na nabuhay. I love cute little girls.

I really thought that nothing would be so interesting about this party. Uh, since Jay wasn’t around. It was quite …uh…boring. But the child in me felt excited about the magic show. I loved magic tricks and clowns when I was a kid. I felt disappointed though that Tito Rey, my favorite magician of all time, will not be the one to conduct the magic show. At least, the two clowns made me laugh – a good laugh I could say – but that was until……

…in the middle of the magic show Tito Rey shouted that I was one of the Ninangs. The clowns Uncle Jonjon and Uncle RJ let me blow a magic bag. Out came a snake, uh, a toy snake. Nagulat ako eh, kaya napasigaw ako. Not only that. Shish.

[….Ang nakakatakot at nakakanerbyos na part.….]

Ive watched these stuff on TV and in other magic shows but never I thought it would happen to me.
Uncle Jonjon looked for a someone who could participate in his show. Definitely, I would not want to be that one but unfortunately, I was the one chosen. I tried saying no but he insisted.

I stood up in front of the crowd of other ninongs and ninangs and visitors and children.
They placed a red scarf on me.

UNCLE JONJON: sabihin mo tulay. Malakas.
ME: tulay
UNCLE JONJON: lakas pa.
ME: Tulay.
UNCLE JONJON: Nagtatagalog ka diba?
ME: *nods*
TITO REY: *shouts* balik bayan yan. Sa California.
UNCLE JONJON: Cali? Taga Cali din ako. Cali-mutan mo na. Sige na, sabihin mo Tulay ng katagalugan
ME: tulay ng kata… *nabulol*… tulay ng katagalugan
UNCLE JONJON: galing
VISITOR: sabihin mo nga buwan ng kabilugan kabilugan ng buwan
ME: buwan ng kabilugan kabilugan ng buwan
VISITOR: ayos ha.
TITO REY: dalaga pa yan! Haha!
UNCLE JONJON: ilang taon kna?
ME: 17 po.
UNCLE JONJON: ako 19 (uhmmm… he looks like 90! Haha!). nineteen-dihan mo na yun. San ka nag-aaral?
ME: UST po.
UNCLE JONJON: ako sa PUP. P yUPian.
[[nilabas na ung props. Yung may pamputol ng kamay na ginagamit sa magic.]]
ME: *kinakabahan na.*
UNCLE RJ: (whisper) sakin k lang makikinig ha pero wag kang titingin sakin
ME: *pinasok ko na yung kamay ko sa hole*
UNCLE JONJON: 1…2… *binababa na yung knife*
UNCLE RJ: (whisper) pag bilang ng 3 alisin mo ung kamay mo
UNCLE JONJON: 3 !
ME: *inalis ko ung kamay ko*
UNCLE JONJON: o, bakit mo inalis?
ME: takot ako e
(everybody laughed; my sister can’t look at me, she’s scared)
UNCLE JONJON: ulet. Game na to ha! Laban o bawi?
ME: bawi?
UNCLE JONJON: bawal bawi dito. Game na. Laban!
(everybody else shouting Laban except for my sister.)
UNCLE RJ: *wrapped the red scarf around my wrist*
ME: *I cant look at my own wrist*
UNCLE JONJON: 1…2…..3
(it was done! I didnt feel any ouch. Good for me.)
UNCLE RJ: (whisper) isarado mo ung kamay mo *holding my hand with the red scarf on my wrist*
UNCLE JONJON: alam nio kung bakit may ganito (red scarf)? Para hindi makita sumisirit ung dugo ..

ME:*jeez*
(my sister more scared)
UNCLE JONJON: ibukas mo nga ung kamay mo?
ME: *opened it*
UNCLE JONJON: close
ME: *closed*
UNCLE JONJON: open
ME: *opened*
UNCLE JONJON: close open, close open

[everybody laughed]
ME: uto uto naman akong sumunod. Haay!

Then, they showed that I wasnt hurt, everybody clapped. Haha! Jeez! I never thought I would have such experience.

Before we left, Tito Rey talked to me. And I was sooo happy to hear that he was proud of me. He served as my father when I was young, when my father was abroad working. He used to pamper me with his jokes, And I used to be entertained with his magic tricks. And I felt how much I missed his company.

haay.. im out! muah!

Saranggola sa Ulan

2004-12-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

Our romantic literature teacher had never failed in inspiring us. Aside from making us laugh. I missed Sir Niel since we haven’t had T-TH classes due to continuous suspension of classes. Ive been waiting for this day. And Sir Niel was worth the wait, since our first two professors didn’t attend our class. He had the best explanations of the songs he played. And I loved the meaning of the song Saranggola sa Ulan. (If that really was the title) Naalala ko pa nga si Val dun sa kantang yun. And I know she could relate to it. Haha!

----------------

Life was never fair. Its always like that. It just hurts me to see it happen to a close friend. Jeez! I feel so helpless. I can feel how hurt he was. I know. But also, it feels so nice that such people trust me with those stuff. Sarap ng feeling ng pinagkakatiwalaan. Thanks a lot.

----------------

UST has never been so beautiful. Wow! Lights all over Lover’s Lane. Its so nice to feel inLove. Haha. Though im not. Val and I insisted that we wanted to pass by Lovers lane. We were excited to see how beautiful and romantic it looks like. Pero malungkot pala dumaan mag-isa. Kami nalang tuloy ni Soulmate Val ang magpartner. Hehe. Walking around Lovers Lane without a someone. Shish. Really. Sadness filled me. Plus, I miss HIM. (Sino kaya yun? Bwahahaha!) Val and I started feeling senti. Nyaha. Weird. Sad. Oh-well.

I and my other two friends… we were holding onto this kite under the rain. Haha. Wag natin bitawan ha! Lilipad din yan. Hah!

weird mourning

2004-12-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

Tuesday afternoon, I had just woke up after a siesta, my sister told me to wake up because somebody had just died – my grandfather. I was NEVER close to him. But really, when I heard the news, it struck me. I had mixed emotions. I was thinking of those what ifs, my dad, I really do not know what I am feeling.

I was never close to him because… because both of us didnt have any efforts of being close to each other. He had other favorite apo. And definitely, that wasnt me. He had those attitudes that I cannot understand. I do not even know what feelings I had for him. Just imagine that. How bad can I get? But that afternoon I cried. I do not know if that was a spur of the moment. But, really, I cried. I had those regrets. I was not crying because I recalled those moments that we shared. We dont have any moments shared with anyway. I was crying because there was nothing we have shared. I had never felt having a grandfather, being loved and cared for by a grandfather. And he died without me knowing if he really loved me. It was rude of me to say this, but there really are things in our family that soooo much hard to explain.

I was thinking of my dad then. His father had just died. How does he feel? My dad and I are not close too. I grew up without him, that is. He was not at home by the time we received the news. I want to see him, hug him. I want to tell him: Dad, everything will be fine. There was this force that tells me to do it. But there was also this force that stops me. He went home just to see my uncle and they went straight to Olongapo. (My grandfather died there) We barely met. The next time I saw my dad was the next morning, looking stressed, without any sleep and without any emotions. He was neither sad nor looking okay. I know guys are not demonstrative of their feelings. But I know it feels hard to hide all those feelings. I want to tell him to cry if thats what will make him feel better. Huh. But even I, cannot show my real emotion towards him.

The toughest persons cry too. One of my cousins went to our house crying. The toughest of all my cousins - my cousin who seemed not to care. He was crying real hard. At the wake, when almost all people were outside, Tito Emil went in front of the casket trying to fight back those tears. I know he cared but didnt want to show it.

A weird wake. I am not the only one who was not close to my grandfather. A bunch of my cousins arent close to him too. And all of us are there. But of all the wakes ive been, Ive never seen people acting how people in that wake acted. They were laughing, sharing jokes, having food trips, and no traces of tears from their eyes. Nobody was crying. I admit I always do not want others to see me cry. How about them? Are they just like me? Or they do not want to show how they care? Or they do not cared at all?

Sons and daughters of my grandfather were - of course - there. My dad, Tito Sonny, Tita Cecille, Tito Emil, Tita Emily. Tito Ariel is the only one who wasn’t there, hes in the States.

There are things I do not understand and I do not appreciate with this family. Their father had just died. They should be mourning, they should be united by this time, hugging and comforting each other. But there they are fighting. Fighting about money. Shouting at each other. Talking about how they would share properties. Blaming each other on their father’s death. What good would blaming do? Would it make their beloved father live again? Their own relatives are talking about how foolish theyve been acting. Kulang na lang makamukha na nila si Ninoy! Shish! Honestly, at times like these I do not want to be a part of them – a part of this family.

movie trip...

2004-11-30T18:06:00.000-08:00

No classes in AB today yet we went to school for our PE class. Track and Field Day!
For the second time, I havent finished the 2 laps in our PE class. While jogging, Ivan felt dizzy. We stopped by Lovers Lane to rest for a while. I cant just leave her there. I was really worried about her. Thankfully, she felt okay after a few minutes. And we had our discuss throwing today. I was quite scared when I saw how heavy the discuss but it was fun, really! (Idol ko si Doray! Ang galing mag discuss throwing!)

They planned on watching a movie – National Treasure. I really wasnt supposed to go with them. Reason? I don not have money and my mom and I are not in good terms. Nag-away kami before I left, nagalit kasi siya sakin good girl naman me. Anyway, I asked permission if I could go with them (she perceived that I was just telling it to her and that I am not asking permission). Anyway, National Treasure rocks! It was like The Da Vincis Code. It was really cold in the movie house yet I cant stand up and go to the comfort room because the scenes are really, uh, WOW! Is there such person as genius as Ben? Astig! (Si Jaypee daw un, haha, sabi ni Jenny) Pero bakit ganun, parang kami lang ang nagtatawanan? I don’t even hear the others laugh, or are we just laughing too loud? Ha ha!

Pero syempre, ako ang dakilang KJ. After the movie, I had to leave. My mom was – I think – already mad at me. So I rushed home afterwards. Ha ha!

the concert that was.

2004-11-27T17:42:00.000-08:00

Livre concert. Days ago, I just can’t wait for this concert, pinayagan na kasi ako. I can’t afford to miss this one since I haven’t attended the Fresh party and Journsoc party. Hmp!

The concert was supposed to start at 5 so after class, Valerie and I dressed up and waited for the others (nagmistulang lovers na nga kami sa Lover’s Lane eh!). After we were complete, we fell in line. Uh, it was a long one. Pwede naman pala sumingit! At sumingit nga kami. After being pressed and pushed by people at last I’m in. I was already hearing Bamboo singing and started jumping “Si Bamboo, si Bamboo!!”.

Nakakawindang!
We were already inside the concert area, at last! Haay……….. I can’t find another word for it. There were weird, funny, unforgettable things that happened that night. Shish! Really weird. Really different. Really something to smile about. Anyway, ako lang naman ata ang nakakaintindi kung bakit ko sinasabi ‘to. Ha ha!

Incomplete
Valerie and I were looking for the others. Kulang. We wanted to be with our other classmates. The more the merier. I texted them, looked left and right, ‘til at last we found them. Little by little we reached the front part where Jaypee and company were.

Putikan trip!
In exchange of being in front, we had to sacrifice being on muddy floor. I was wearing ambel pants, so, I had to fold my pants up (or else my mom would scream at me if I got home with oh-so-dirty pants). My WHITE rubber shoes then turned brown and I find it hard to lift my feet. Argh!

Urge to text
I didn’t want to get busy with the texting stuff, but I had to. I have to text my mom who wants me to go home early. Parents with ‘daughters’ are soooooooo over protective!! Sexist daw ako, according to Jaypee. But I just hate it! Anyway, I kept on texting and texting. Nakahiwalay din kasi sila Rap and daughter Ivan. And I know they won’t go where we are. One, maputik, Rap won’t sacrifice his oh-so-shiny shoes (peace, Rap!). Two, Ivan won’t like the smell of the peeps, it’s so over-crowded in front. Kaya nga sila hindi sumunod at nagpunta nlang sa Mcdo e.Anyway, Jaypee told me to enjoy and forget this urge to text. I hope I could.

Chicosci rocks!
Before Chicosci played, Jaypee told me to cover my ears cause this will be a loud one – having 2 drum sets. I’m not really into rock. Not that much I mean. I’ve been hearing songs of Chicosci but I was never a fan. Not until that night. All of them were cool! Cool Migz!

Nakakatouch
At 10pm, I was forced to leave. I didn’t want to leave yet but I have to. If not, I may end up sleeping outside our house. I told Valerie that I really have to leave. I know she doesn’t want to leave yet. KJ na nga daw ako sabi ni Jaypee! Wag daw muna ako umuwi. (At ginawa pa akong tripod ni ‘Maritess’, haha!). I bid them all goodbye before we left, then Jaypee suddenly said thank you to me. (‘Salamat sa lahat’) Touching talaga. I realized I had – in a way – helped a friend. *ngiti!* Valerie and Dave left the concert with me. Thanks guys!

Ay naku!
As I left the place, I was already walking fast. I have to go home as fast as I could. We didn’t even bother even we looked so dirty then, hindi naman namin kilala yung mga tao eh! The bad part of it, the FX we rode at had an old driver. Result: the FX was quite slow. I reached home and saw my mom. Her face already shows the words ‘What time is it???!!!!!!’ And there she welcomed me – if that is what you call welcome - saying this and that, blah blah blah… Of course she didn’t listen to my excuses for reaching home that late. And we ended up not talking to each other. Anyway, that is what always happens when she gets mad at me. Shish!

Surely, this was a very unforgettable night. Mwak! ^_^

...Names...

2004-11-24T18:28:00.000-08:00

Ha ha! Phoebe Jennelyn A. Magdirila, that’s my name. But not everybody knows that I’ve already got a lot of nicknames out of my not-so-very-long name. You name it.

*Jennel. That’s how my mom, dad and childhood friends call me. I dunno why all I know is that was the name they call me since I was young.
* I started to be used to being called Phoebe when I started going to school. Since that’s my first name, my mom told me to get used to it since that’s what my teachers will first read as they look at my name. But then problem arose with the use of that name. It’s not that I don’t like the name. It’s just not all people, I mean, most of the people, don’t know how to pronounce my name. (Thanks to Charmed and Phoebe Halliwell! Things ‘somehow’ changed since then. Haha!)
* Ate. I have a little sis, that’s for one thing that I am called such. But it’s weird. Even my mom calls me ‘ate’ until know.
* Jen. My child hood friends, cousins, et cetera just stopped me calling Jennel and called me ‘Jen’. It’s fine with me anyway.
* Demi (as in Demi Moore). My T.H.E. Teacher in grade five, Sir Mar Acosta, kept on calling me Demi ‘cause he insists that Demi played a role in a movie where her name is Phoebe. It was a hit movie daw.
* Febbie, Phobe, Phoebus, Phowebby (and all sorts of mispronunciations that I cannot remember anymore). Unbelievably, even teachers mispronounce my name. Well, especially during first-day meetings. But there are teachers who means to call me with my name mispronounced though they know how to call me! I even remember our Trade Drawing Teacher back in Second Year who called me Phobe for the whole year. Arggh! Good thing he wasn’t my teacher for the next year!
* Bibe. Phoebe sounds with Bibe right? My high school friends call me that. And I still remember, they even composed a song for me with that name. (Good guess Rap!)
* Phoybee. Ms. Arabel giron, my fourth year Lit teacher calls me that since we’ve been close as I became one of her Year book staffers. (Where’s our yearbook anyway?)
* Peevee. Judy started this!! Since sometimes she pronounces b as v and vice versa, she once called me ‘Peevee’ and some of my classmates heard it and started calling me that.
* Phoebecles. I dunno what came to Ivan’s mind that she (take note: she) started called me such.
* Testicles. As far as I know, not even a syllable of this word sounds like my name. But anyway, since Ivan started the Phoebecles thing, Jaypee started telling me that ’What rhymes with Phoebecles? Testicles right?!" Though I find it weird that he calls me that, whenever he shouts "Testicles!", I do look at him and respond to his call. Unless, of course, he calls me with that name outside the room. Ha ha!
* Poopsicles. I suggested Jaypee to find another name that rhymes with Phoebecles so he won’t call me Testicles anymore. He thought of this. Though after some days, he still preferred calling me Testicles than Poopsicles. Uhhh…
* Phowbee. This was today’s laugh trip in Ma’am Tuble’s class. It was another addition to my collection of nicknames. I was raising my hands for recitation and called my name with that pronunciation. I think everybody had a good laugh about that. Shish!

Oh well, I’ve got loads of friends who got bored with their names and are thinking on how to jumble, shorten and make their names more creative. But what can I say? I don’t have to do such thinking. Those peeps around me do the thinking for me.

Note: Just PLEASE PLEASE don’t call me Jennelyn! Okay?
Peace out!

P.S.
I’ve got a Pucca pillow for myself today! Yey! It’s cute! I just bought it earlier at Colayco Park Tiangge!

...labindalawang oras...

2004-11-23T21:15:00.000-08:00

Like any other Tuesdays, I had spent another twelve long tiring hours in school. Woke up at Five a.m. and going home at 9 p.m. Uhh, just imagine how tired I am. Anyway, I'll always have time for my blog! Haha!

Though I need to go to school darn early every Tuesday, it was always fun. Fun! Happy (as Jessica wanted to be called) really stood by her name Happy. She was acting real happy all the morning and started this 'imaginary rubber' thing! Haha! An infection for the whole day. Victims: Jaypee, Ralph, Sherman and Charts. (Meron pa ba?)We didn't do those sit-ups and stuff for today.We stayed in the gym and stared at those people in jerseys all those two hours. Well, I just got interested when the game started, yet we have to leave by that time. Uhhhh... Four hours of waiting went really fast. We ate at Lisa's, as usual. And dropped by at Hub, kung saan ako napagtripan ng dalawang makukulit na nilalang. Naku talaga! hehe!

Zzzzz.... Sleepy hours came. Logic. Hmp. We had a quiz, which I thought was something easier than i expected but was equivalent to a hundred point exam. Darn! But, I can really never get sleepy with Sir Niel. He rocks! Really a romantic though, I noticed. Never a lecture without us hearing stuff about love is blah blah, this and that. Cartesian plane and economic graphs were even included in the Love topic. Haha! Sir Niel really has this GOOD as in good sense of humor!And yeah, this has been a tiring day. Ouch my body really aches! i dunno why. But It's nice to see Lover's Lane filled with those lights and first time I've seen the fountains opened! Adik sa fountain! Hehehe!!

This really is a happy day! hahahaha! I kept on laughing all day! But for now im out. Im hungry! Mwak!

of blogging dangers and stuff...

2004-11-22T17:06:00.000-08:00

Whew, surprise surprise! yeah, I love surprises but not like this one. This surprise we had with Mr.Encarta. (Oops, be careful, do not name names! haha!)

The usual Mr. Encarta would be entering into class starting to share some stuff about him and all that. We could spend half the period just chattering about his life in Korea, et cetera et cetera... But this day's different. He entered into class fuming angry and started pointing at my daughter Ivan, saying this and that. Realising he had read a blog of Ivan that was about him. Small world isn't it. Honestly, what first came into my mind was that, somebody might have given it to him, somebody you-know-who. But I found out that I was wrong. I dunno what to think or what to say about what happened because I know that I do not like him either. Don't ask for reasons 'cause I also cannot explain why. But one thing, Ivan had real bravery. Courage enough to admit the writings, to confront sir and to be honest. I can't imagine myself being on the same spot and doing the things she did. Real brave!Go anak!

One lesson. Do not name names in your entries. Or else.

Because of such stuff that happened, we talked about professors like Ms. Logic and Mr. Encarta. Oh well, i felt guilty 'cause they were talking about people who were making professors a laughing thing. I think I was one of them. So, I can't do anything but keep quiet! haha!!
Anyway, Economics quiz was a tough one. But, I really love Eco so it's a little bit fun too. Just hope I'll pass.

goodbye Xanga!

2004-11-21T10:57:00.000-08:00

I thought I just have to be contented with my just-an-ordinary blog. My Xanga blog. In the first place, I really wanted to be a blogspotter but I felt so excited about signing up then, I ended up signing up at Xanga (Blogspot's page wasn't available then. Too bad.).

But you know I have this intimidating friend, Ykah. Yah, she is intimidating. But don't get me wrong there, she's cool. She told me how boring my blog was. Ouch! The nerd me who doesn't know how those peeps in our room create such nice websites asked for help. Thanks there was this kind Jaypee. (thanks Jaypez!) he told me to create an account in blogspot and he'll help me with it. And yey!! I already have my blog.

Oh anyway. Does this entry make sense to anyone? ha ha! I was just more than excited to post an entry! peaceout! mwak!

...

2004-11-17T20:30:00.000-08:00

blogger na ko! whew!